When Ken Mehlman crawled out of the closet last week he dragged a legion of filthy dust bunnies along with him. For years, Mehlman was the mouthpiece -- and brain trust -- of the political party that built its reputation around the defamation and marginalization of LGBT Americans.
Mehlman's announcement got us thinking about how many right-wingers turn out to be gay. It's almost like watching the magic mirror segment on Romper Room. One name after another after another of Kenny's conservative fellows have tumbled out of the closet.
Here's a list of the most scandalous hetero-cum-homo revelations we could think of:
10) California state Sen. Roy Ashburn. The pseudoheroic baton of homo honesty was passed to Mehlman last week from Ashburn, his reluctant predecessor. Unlike Mehlman, Ashburn didn't discover the courage to be honest until after being arrested for drunk driving following Latino drag night at a gay bar in Sacramento. Similar to Kenny, Ashburn has a strong record of acting against the interests of his fellow gays.
9) Former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig. Craig was arrested for soliciting a penis pacifier from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom in Minnesota. Craig still clings to his heterosexuality even though he pleaded guilty to the charge of soliciting sex from a police officer. He famously said, "I am not gay" and no one really believes him.
8) The Rev. Ted Haggard. Haggard was forced to resign from his evangelical ministry after it was revealed that he had a sexual relationship with a male massage therapist for three years (and used a little crystal meth with him, too). Ted's admission of his man-on-man action is somewhat unique because he now says he has been fixed and no longer has homo urges. His wife must be thrilled.
7) George Rekers. The self-proclaimed expert on homosexuality -- as well as a founder of the Christian ultra-conservative Family Research Council -- was caught traveling with a young male escort he hired to act as his luggage-lifting companion. The escort, Lucien, admitted to doing much more than lifting luggage. Rekers, like Larry Craig, still denies accusations of lusting for the scent of a scrotum on a hot day. Although George likes to think of himself not only as straight, but also as being just like Jesus!
6) Rep. Mark Foley. Foley, a six-term Congressman from Florida was caught sending lewd and lascivious instant messages to teenage pages. Foley not only resigned his seat, he also came out of the closet and told the world that he is as gay as the day is long. Interestingly enough, a few years before getting caught drooling over teenagers, Foley said accusations that he was gay were "revolting and unforgivable."
5) Michael Huffington. After a cutthroat campaign against Dianne Feinstein for the California Senate seat she won, Republican Huffington announced (first to his wife, Arianna, their daughters, then to Esquire magazine) that he loves wieners and he hates politics before vowing to never run for office again.
4) Gov. Jim McGreevey. Okay, our token Democrat. The former Governor of New Jersey was married -- twice -- mostly to maintain the image of an electable heterosexual, ass-grabbing, titty loving man among men. He also had a hot, sexy affair with a man on the state's payroll, whom he'd hired. Talk about horny! When wasn't Jim McGreevey ejaculating?
3) Roy Cohn. A rabid, vicious, heartless attorney who worked with Sen. Joe McCarthy in helping to rid the FBI -- and Hollywood -- of communists in the 1950s, Cohn was not-so-secretly gay. Although responsible for investigating and accusing many people of being communist or homosexual, Cohn never admitted that he, too, craved sex with men. He died of AIDS in 1986. Watch Al Pacino portray Cohn in Tony Kushner's Angels in America to gain an understanding of how the closet works for men like Cohn.
2) J. Edgar Hoover. The longest-serving head of the FBI had a lifelong relationship with an associate director of the FBI named Clyde Tolson. Hoover never discussed his relationship with Tolson but they were constant companions. Tolson was not only Hoover's heir but he also received the flag that was draped on Hoover's coffin at his funeral. A film about J. Edgar Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood and written by Dustin Lance Black (who wrote screenplay for Milk) is in production to be released in 2012.
1) We are saving this slot for the next closet case. The next morally superior, hypocritical, Republican (or not), wickedly conservative (because he's got to prove he's not one of them gays) to come out ... and you know its going to happen.
Charlie ... Charlie ... come out, come out, wherever you are...
Patrick Connors is an uppity fag who likes wieners and carries his own luggage (and vice versa).
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